Growing up, my mom worked a somewhat brutal job so that we could afford for me to play all the sports I wanted to play.
She was a claims adjuster for a moving company, meaning some mover would inevitably break some $700 lamp, and the owner would call in and scream at my mom about it.
Her company had rigid policies about what they’d reimburse for a given item, and she had no say in those policies whatsoever.
So it was her job to just take calls and get ripped all day.
But my mom had this one magical skill that made her great at that job and made her the perfect mom for a deep feeler like me.
She knew how to listen to someone’s experience without questioning it and make them feel truly heard, seen, and validated in that experience.
This sounds simple, but almost nobody is good at deep listening to understand, all while resisting the urge to solve or diminish.
Think about it. Anytime you tell somebody about something terrible or challenging in your life, how do they respond?
“It’ll be okay!”
“Don’t worry, you’ll get through it.”
“Look on the bright side/for the silver lining!”
I know you’re likely thinking “Whoa, bro! You’re telling me those are wrong reactions!?”
Yes, bro, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.
What people need to hear is, “Fuck. That sucks. I’m sorry, that’s a shitty situation and I can only imagine how bad you’re feeling about it.”
Brené Brown was the first one to make me aware of the concept and it’s power in the TED talk that made her famous.
Now the fun part is, deep listening to understand and affirm is also a relationship — and thus a leadership — superpower, but most never leverage it because they think if they validate a person’s experience they must admit wrong or take the hurt person’s desired course of action. But great news: that just ain’t true.
Here’s an example:
You run a startup. One of your best employees (Sean), your third hire and one of your senior leaders, finds out that someone in a more technical role (Andrea) is making more than he is. He believes he brings more value to the organization and is sure you have wronged him.
He comes to you upset and betrayed, asking how you could pay this other person more than him after all he’s done for you and the org.
You know that the issue is that market rate for different roles is higher or lower based on how much talent is available in that role in the job market, and pay is not based on relative value delivered to the company, or years of service.
Most leaders say, “Sorry Sean, that’s how pay works,” or worse, in a panic to retain him, just raises Sean’s salary way above market rate for his role in order to appease him (leaving you with a mess to clean up down the road). More great news: you’re not limited to choosing between this rock and this hard place; it’s a false choice.
Now that you’ve developed this super power, you lead with, “I want to help you understand why Andrea is making more than you, but first I want to validate how shitty it feels to find out what you’ve just found out. I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of helping everyone proactively understand how salaries work.”
You then describe market rate for a role, and close with, “This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel shitty about this. I get it, it’s a painful thing to learn, and I could have been more proactive in ensuring you weren’t surprised and hurt by it.”
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NOTE: A topic for another post, but you might even get real wild with this little diddy of an epilogue: “Let’s make a plan for what you can deliver that will justify us moving you up past the market rate for the role, or into another role.” (see #3 in this post for how)
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